I don't have a picture to post here... there is nothing that can speak to this writing..it just is
Why is falling 'in love' so fast and trying to fall 'out of love' so difficult?
It's been months and still my heart is aching. I've tried everything, I've kept busy, I've changed jobs, I've given up my beloved company and joined a bigger one to lose myself in the plethora of people, events and schedules. I've travelled, I've invited new people into my life, I've invited new men into my life.. it's not been fair to any of them, I've been cynical and mean, I'm sorry. My heart is of full of sadness and am desperately trying to move forward. I just have this odd feeling that through everything and all of this, we will meet again in the near future and pick up exactly where we left off and do everything we had planned.
In love should be the tough part, really put the other person and the relationship to the test, spend the time getting to know your heart and it's connection to that person. Why does the look of someone physically turn you on? The way they smile the way their eyes twinkle, and soft speech in your ear, that makes you feel as though you are the only one that has ever heard those words from that mouth.
How is it possible to fall in love with someone upon first meeting them? What forces in the universe have aligned themselves to put this person in your path, and, you both feel the same way? How do you look at another person for the first time and in that moment, just know. Know that you knew them already, you knew what their lips were going to taste like, knew where that kiss was going to take you. Knew that when they held you, you could stay, loving, holding, touching, like an invisible tie was holding you together no matter where you were. We could be hours apart and still feel a warmth, a tingle when I thought of him.
See the number on the phone and jump over the desk making sure to catch it before the last ring for fear you won't be able to connect if 'that' connection isn't made.
You must feel like you're reading from a 13yr old's diary. I'm a long way from 13 and I can't believe I fell so deeply, so quickly. I simply could not help myself. I think back to the moment when we first saw each other, he was so handsome, when he reached me and hugged me... I was home. It, he was perfect. The conversation was electric and sexy at the same time. The time flew by, we met for breakfast and were still sitting there by early dinner. If you were watching this as a movie, you would see us in focus, talking, laughing, sneaking kisses, whispering in each others ears, then hugging and laughing again.. we would be in focus and the world around us would be spinning out of control, people in, people out, wait staff filling tables, clearing tables, welcoming new patrons, chairs in, chairs out, the scents of breakfast pastries to dinner meats being cooked on the open flames... and still we sat and loved.
I've never been with anyone that thrilled me as much as he did, the conversation lifted my spirit to a magical level, I was so creative when I was near him. I watched myself closely and kept thinking... 'how can this be real'... at my age I had never experienced this before. His touch excited me, every time we left each other to go home, my heart ached so badly I cried. I missed him terribly. I was not my usual calm, cool and collected self. I play the 'dating game' really well and he was really messing up my us M.O. He touched my chest one night, not my breasts, there was nothing sexual about it, he laid his hand just above my breasts while he kissed me.. he was touching my soul. You can't ever explain this anyone, it just happens, he just did it and it moved my heart and calmed my soul to match his. It was profound.
He didn't belong to me. He was married. He had told me there was no longer anything there between them, and he was working through a way out without damaging everything. My usual calm, cool demeanour was having a hard time with the love of my life leaving me to go home to his wife. Over the months I turned into something, someone I had never been before, needy and jealous. Oh my god, I was a wreck. Was this a test to see how emotionally mature/secure I was? If it was it wasn't a fair test. I went to my home and slept alone, while he went home to his family.
I had to end it. I couldn't do it any longer, I didn't' like who I had become. He wanted to remain friends, this is the only thing he never understood about me, I couldn't possibly be 'friends' after what I had experienced, I want it all or I have to walk away. I couldn't talk to him over the years that I was supposed to be a part of and hear of his tales of new people or his family, it would tear me apart. I'm not proud of the person I became, I was hurt, I was angry, I was very sympathetic to his wife.. I would not have wanted to be 'a wife' and have my husband be with someone else that he was in love with. It was terrible situation for me, for him and for her. I am so sorry if I made it more difficult.. I love him still and wish with all my heart we could be together.
I hope to see him again someday and when we see each other again just fall into his arms and hold him. I miss him terribly, I hope he finds what he is looking for and I hope and pray it's me he's looking for,and I pray he is single this time so we can move forward from where we left off. That would complete my life in the way I hope it would. I believe we have known each other in many other lives and this one we almost made it work. If not in this life, then definitely the next, I will be the one waving the biggest flag. You won't be able to miss me next time!
I love you
~H
