Cheryl my dear friend/receptionist/administrator become quite interested in my dating life. After all she was cleaning up the office after me she must have a) wondered b) been really envious of my activity c) was curious how she can get in on the action...or d) all of the above.... NOPE! NONE OF THE ABOVE! She said she would wait and see how it turned out for me. It was a subject that was discussed and dissected along the way and the after hours rendezvous would continue as would the cleaning.
The funnest part of our work days were having a mid day coffee date. 'He' would come to my office and she would preview him for me as they walked up the parking lot and into the front door. She would buzz me and give me her first impression...oh how I wish I had listened better, and had a back door so Cheryl could say; “I’m so sorry, she has had to meet with the lawyer this morning and couldn’t get in touch with you”. Every single bad date was something to learn from and added to the filters I put up online so as not to expose myself ‘that’ way again. This fellow, still makes me shake my head even when I’m writing now. He was living here from Russia, language barrier again and sock barrier. He had worked the night shift at a chicken plant.... yup, chicken plant, he looked at breasts all day....he thought that was such a funny joke to tell everyone. He finished his shift and changed for our date. Looking back I wished he had changed not only into some'thing' else but also into some'one' else. He showed up with a t-shirt on, shorts, sandals and SOCKS! Come on! This is a date! The superman T-shirt was wrinkled and a size too small for him. His shorts had a stain on the leg..was that chicken guts and blood? And did I mention SOCKS WITH SANDALS? I, on other hand had taken care to be well dressed for my date. I didn't have an escape so I was stuck here by myself to go through with this date alone.. Cheryl was absolutely no help when I asked her to join us... she was still smirking when we walked out the door.
We went for coffee to a local little place where everybody knows your name...it's a small town so matter where we went everyone knows my name....oh god shoot me now, how do I introduce him... 'here's a man who has no home (because it looked like he had slept in his car)and no clothes and I thought I would buy him a coffee...... no that wouldn't work.... 'hi guys, this is my cousin'....no, I don't have olive skin and bad fashion sense...ah! I would just nod, wave and say nothing and later tell them he was a 'client'... that works everytime....
He tried to hold my hand crossing the street I deflected that move gracefully by moving my purse to that hand, then he changed sides, so my purse changed sides, my purse was my shield today and god help me I wished it was bigger and heavier. I nearly jumped out of my skin everytime he touched me. I don't think I had ever been so unattracted to anyone before, not even the 6'8" guy put me this off of dating. We had our coffee, he talked and talked and talked about his job packaging chicken breasts all day all night. He was obviously nervous so my nurturing gene took over and I tried to make him feel more comfortable, he took that as a sign he could get closer...then he leaned in for a big sloppy kiss.... whoa... i can't remember ever moving so fast, I slid left and the chair tipped right and in that .02 second before I hit the floor was an eye opener for me, 'filter, filter, filter'...my ass in my beautiful dress pants were sitting on.....jam? or maybe pancake syrup, either way, it was sticky.. much like I feared the kiss would be... my friends came over offered to help me up, there was no denying I would have to talk to them now, pants were brushed off, purse was re-loaded, spilled coffee was swabbed, and my Russian date took every opportunity to touch me, yup..he smelled like chicken...
He called and called and called afterwards. I had to say something to get him to stop calling, again Cheryl my best friend was no help whatsoever... she would not call him and tell him I had passed away. Seriously what kind of friend is that anyway? I decided I would call and BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH HIM...... 'you smell badly, your clothes are not dating clothes, brush your hair and your teeth.. and general personal hygiene is critical... you took too many liberties in trying to touch me when you didn't know me and you are supposed to pay for the coffee.... I said it much kinder of course, I said I was sorry it didn't work out, I am Canadian... I am sorry about a lot of things. Please Russia tell me there are gorgeous men there who know how to go on a date, I was in St. Peterburg last year and saw a lot of you...and you were gorgeous...come to Canada.....please.
At this point I was beginning to question my idea of 'saying "yes" to every man that asked me'...my plan of dating for 365 days without saying 'no' was up for debate. I trudged forward, probably not fair to some of the poor fellows I went out with, not sure what my mental state was after a terrible date. lol. It’s a huge world out there and i wasn’t going to leave any stone unturned. Of course that’s not to say some of them should have stayed under the rock.
My next romp was an interesting man. His family owned a food distribution business between Montreal and Toronto. We had talked for awhile on the phone and decided we should try to fit a date into our busy schedules. I loved the fact that all of his pics were out at restaurants. We decided to meet one day just off of the 401 on his way back from Montreal for coffee. He told me when he would coming along, and I went to meet him. He was already there when I got there. He waved at me, turned his car off, got out of his car and ...... he was in track pants. Honest to God, what the hell is going on? Don't people dress for dates any longer, I look better on a bad day, he had obviously eaten breakfast in his car while he was driving he had crumbs all over his lap. He was still pretty cute however and he apologized for his attire...ok he got back a point or two there, with the long drive he needed to change out of his suit and there was a very impressive bulge showing. I wanted to explore that at a some point. We met a couple of times after that, dinners, cocktails, his place, my place, did explore the bulge, very disappointing...it was all fabric. He was a great cook though. Again, just no connection for either of us, he was nice, I was nice, we just sort of stopped making time for each other, we would chat every once in a while via text, ask how we were each doing, what was going on in our dating worlds, lots of funny stories were passed back and forth, we enjoyed each others company alot on the phone, just not in person... what a funny world we live in. So Gord if you're reading this... 'Hi, how are you these days?... hope you found what you were looking for, if not good luck in your continued search'
~Jane , the man slayer
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