Getting the hell out of LA

After deciding to leave Edward and LA behind, I had to think like Jane Smith..SEXPERT   it didn't take me long to decide which direction to go. I needed the ocean, some sun... and wine. I walked out of the lobby that 2 days before I had walked into and was expecting the most amazing 5 days.  Instead my 'lover' was attending his conference and leaving me to my own devices.  Really? I have no problem finding something more fun to do.  I confidently walked up to the first cab... "Where is the ocean from here"?  I wasn't sure if it my Canadian accent or not but he looked at me like I had two heads.  He looked around to see if he was being filmed.. I guess that happens a lot in LA... I said "I need to go to the Ocean, I have no idea where it is from here other than, I'm guessing further West.. what would the closet city be at the ocean"?  He asked "Are you fleeing from someone?" "Yes", I said "a terrible lover".... "ah, ok, I thought there was going to be a car chase here, and I hate those so.. where would you like to go"?  Now I'm looking at him like he has two heads.  I shook my head to try and start over.  He told me Santa Monica was the closet city and it was ocean-side.  Perfect I thought, I've never been to Santa Monica. "Ok, lets go"... "well lady, I'm going to charge you about $100 for the cab...or... see that bus?, it will take you right there for $1.50, I would feel terrible taking your money, and well its' almost lunch time, I have an audition"... Now I'm looking around to see if someone is filming. Get me the fuck out of this city. "Fine, thank you for your help... and good luck with your audition."

Across the street as promised was the bus for $1.50 trip to Santa Monica. With my cute luggage, I traveled for an hour to the Ocean and what a great Ocean with was.  I could splurge on a hotel now after saving $100. However there were no rooms at the Inn... at any Inn for that matter.  Can you imagine what is like to walk around in the boiling sun for hours, dragging my horrible luggage from hotel to hotel only to be turned down over and over again? Now I'm stinky, sun burned, and needed a toilet. My last resort..get it resort? ..lol was a small-ish place across from the pier.  He said the only room he had left was behind reception beside the laundry rooms.  "I'll take it."  "You have to look at it first, to make sure it's suitable before I take your money."  He had no idea how desperate I was , I went back, looked at it, came back..smiled "I'll take it, I'll be here for 4 days."   What a glorious room it appeared to be. 

Freshened up, I plugged my phone in and I took off to explore.  Santa Monica is a beautiful city, fresh, clean, great restaurants, fabulous shopping and the night life was a riot. I spent my first evening at the pier, watching all the sites of a carnival.  The end of the pier was the most fun.  It was packed with all men who were fishing. Lucky me, I love men and I love fishing.  A man let me use his fishing rod, while he went to the bathroom.  He was gone a long time, his buddies were laughing.  "You know he didn't go to bathroom....he visits a hooker under the pier."  "Oh... well then he will likely catch something before me."   I fished to my hearts content. 

I made my way back to my hotel, stopping at every licensed establishment.  Upon arrival at my room, my phone was blinking.  I listened to Edwards plaintive messages, 'where was I, why had I left, was I coming back'.... it only took him 9 hrs to realize I was gone.  I was happy with my decision to head to SM, instead of spend another day in LA.   I texted him back to let him know I was in SM, and said he was more than welcome to join me in my awesome room beside the hotels' laundry room...lol.. he said he might be able to make it down in a couple of days.  My response.."it's ok Edward, this time together did not go as we had planned, it's fine. Good luck in your conference, I don't see any point in seeing each other again."  Time for me to move on.  Unfortunately I hadn't brought any toys with me...expecting a 6'3" man who didn't require batteries.. dammit!  I tried to sleep, for some reason they do hotel laundry alllllll night long :(   I couldn't get the zipper to my luggage open, I had to get scissors from the front desk to cut it open.  So I could access my treasures inside, like my toothbrush. Now I needed new luggage.  I might send Edward a bill for my added expenses. It could only go up hill from here. 

The next day I planned on walking to Venice beach, man is it hot here.. the sun was beating down relentlessly... hotter still on the beach with each little tiny grain of sand reflecting the sun back up from below.  I walked in the surf instead.. it was fucking glorious.  Did I mention I had the cutest sundress on , no underwear, and clearly see-through.  I look across the beach and spotted a man in a fabulous suit standing at the canteen that sells water... I suddenly felt very thirsty. I made my way over to the canteen, I looked at the man, he looked at me.  I had a great conversation with the guy  who ran the canteen the suited man said nothing...... oh well his loss.  I took my water and continued down the boardwalk.  I made it 100ft or so before I thought my flip flops were melting on the wooden trail. I sat down on a the closet empty bench, kicked off my flip flops, hiked up my dress, pushed my sunglasses back on my head and leaned back and closed my eyes to really take in the sounds and smells of the ocean.   I could have been there all day.  Without warning the sun was blocked and there in front of me was suited man.  "Hello" he said...without looking up... 'hi... why on earth are you in a suit on the beach?".... "I'm head of security for this hotel"... oh great I thought, it's a private beach and he's kicking me out.. no way.. I've found the perfect spot to forget Edward and LA and I wasn't going to leave.  "I wanted to talk to you when you bought your water but I was tongue tied.. I've never seen a woman with so much confidence and comfortable in her own skin before"... for a tongue tied man he was pretty talented.. 

"you don't see confident women on Venice beach..are you kidding me?" ... "all of them are vain..that's different"... he said... good answer I thought.  I told him I bought water because I wanted a closer look at the handsome man in a suit on the beach... he didn't believe me.. I opened my backpack and showed him the two full bottles I already had inside.. no his confidence was building.   It was clear we were attracted to each other. He sat with me, we talked for an hour.  What a sweet heart. He lives just outside of SM.  He gave me his pass to the hotel bar and pool and we agreed to meet when he was finished his shift.   We spent the next 4 days together, it was wonderful, he took me everywhere and showed me the sites.  We spent every night in the ocean followed by dinner and the rest of the night in his apt. What a glorious lover he was. I hadn't missed a beat. Jane Smith the Sexplorer has discovered an amazing man on the west coast. You just never know when/where you are going to meet someone so compatible.  He drove me to airport on the my last day. We spoke everyday while I was back home, I flew back a month later and stayed with him for two weeks.  One of the best holiday's I've ever had.  We continue to talk everyday although we are 3,000 miles apart.  His name is Eduardo... really it is. I exchanged one Ed for another, both from Spain... the universe has a great sense of humour.  I love it. 

~ Jane, the luckiest woman in the world!

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A flashback Story...

flashback 2008

I had been single for exactly a month at this point.... I was totally set up now, I had my own place, where no one came without an invitation, no one dropped in, there was a buzzer that had to be buzzed and answered for the main door to open.... I didn't open it often.  I wanted my privacy and my own time to walk around naked, without my kids running out of the room screaming, without neighbours closing their drapes and my ex husband thinking naked automatically meant sex.  I think I could be a nudist/naturalist if I looked better in the bright unforgiving sunlight.   I love to be naked, in the shower .. obviously, in the pool, hot tub, lake or ocean.. I think any type of clothing really drags down my speed dog paddling time when I tying to get back to the dock or shore is something underneath the water has touched me.......eeeeeeeeeeeeek.    So quite naturally the nudism moves through the the whole apartment, the shower is really close to the bedroom, where I need to get my clothes, then sometimes in the journey from the shower to the bedroom I get thirsty, so I go to the kitchen, then I end up making a sandwich or something.... then I do what I have never done with my children..... I eat in front of the tv... omg! so all of a sudden you have a single naked woman eating a tuna sandwich, having a glass of wine and watching tv.....naked... IF someone just dropped in.... it would look odd to them but only because they don't understand the process it took me to get there.

I was enjoying my new single life tremendously, my business was doing well, my online dating profiles were trolling even when I wasn't online, my bottom drawer of my file cabinet in my office had its fill of multi-coloured, multi-sized condoms, as does my night side table in my bedroom and the end table in my living room. :)   I had officially broken my 27 yr dating slump and had had my first date...horrible as it was.  So I started making a list of rules to live by that I would share with anyone who wanted to listen to them...

Rule number 1: don’t meet for the first time over dinner.
Rule number 2: look for a back door for a quick exit.
Rule number 3: develop a strategy to change the subject quickly.
Rule number 4: if in their picture they are smiling with a closed mouth:  they have bad teeth!
Rule number 5 repeated: Trust no one.
Rule number 6: never waste time talking online with anyone without a picture, we try as women to be kind and nurturing and non-judgemental but you know what? I'm tired of spending my precious pre-dating time talking to someone I've never seen then finally they send a pic and you cringe because there is no way you are attracted to that person.... then you feel awful when you have to say good bye, they know it was because they sent the pic and you don't like the 'look' of them.. that is so mean.  So #6 is picture first then chat... blah, blah, blah...shallow, yes, but there is no sense meeting someone that you are not attracted to, it doesn't make any sense to me, correct me if I'm wrong.

My next date was this crazy guy from Turkey living in Toronto. I say crazy that in the kindest, sweetest sense.  We had talked online for a few weeks,  there was a slight language barrier but it made it fun and he couldn’t wait to meet, so he drove out to see me.  Try giving directions to a Turkish fellow from Istanbul living in Toronto with family and have him drive out to the country at night. I was very clear on how to get to me, he heard something completely different.  I was going to work until he got into my office, I didn't ever meet people in my home until I had seen them a few times.  It was a Friday nite, everyone had gone home for the weekend, I was working away at my desk.. the call was expected... "Hello is this Jane"... yes I said... "Hello this is Alex from Toronto, I am very lost and it is very dark where I am... do you know where I am"?.......  lol "well not exactly Alex, there is a lot of dark places around here, my guess is you've driven too far north, turn around and drive until you see something, then I can tell you where are"...."ok, Jane, but can you stay on the phone with me, I've never been this far from Toronto before"... "yes Alex I'll stay on the phone"..... I talked to him all the way back south to my office, he drove into the parking lot, closed his door, locked it, checked that it was locked, then checked again that it was locked.  This fellow was terrified of me being an axe murderer, then me stealing his car.   But, damn he was so adorable in person, taller than I expected, longish dark curly hair and just the right amount of a beard stubble to be sexy.  Oh and .... he works out.  I am such a sucker for a man with a great body.

 He was so relieved to see me, he walked straight up to me, "hello Jane"... put his arms around me and hugged me and hugged me and hugged me.  He slowly leaned down to kiss me, we kisssed out there for about 1/2 hour.  I led him back into my lair and locked the door behind him.

Very quickly we realized a) we were both very horny and b) we were very attracted to each other.  He peeled my clothes off so quickly I looked around to see if there were judges there to give him points for technique and speed.   We found that A went into B perfectly and it felt so damn good, the receptionists desk was a perfect height.  I quickly, but smartly cleared away some files that would be opened again on Monday, no sense in making a mess that I would have to pay someone to clean up, I was horny but I was stupid... not yet anyway.  We fell in a naked heap onto the floor to gather our thoughts and find a bottle or two of water.  We chatted for about 30 minutes or so about what he was doing here in Canada and what he hoped to accomplish while he was here.  He wanted to see my office or moreover he wanted to see my desk.  :) My desk was much better for what we wanted to do, it had less paperwork on it. I had never been so intimately aware of the grain of the wood as when my face was an 1" from it.  Alex was  a great lover, he knew what he wanted and he took it.  I am a pretty dominant woman so it was nice to have someone else lead the games for once.  My hips were like handlebars to  him, he steered my ass in whatever direction he wanted with each thrust.  My favourite was the 1,2,3 count with just the tip of his c*ck inside of me, then drive it deeply inside.  Each deep thrust took my breath away.  Every once in a while he would slow down, lean over cup my breasts and kiss me.  He was a very passionate lover.

Now that we were completely naked we didn't get dressed again.  More water, some music, some more getting to know each other, then it was my turn to play with him, he was leaning up against my office wall... I am so glad I picked that paint colour, a naked olive skinned man leaning on it looked very nice.  I was laying on the floor beside him.  I rolled over and crawled up between his legs, his c*ck started to twitch as the blood flow was rushing in again.  My hair was shoulder length and when I bent over to kiss his thighs my hair tickled him as I moved up. By the time I reached my destination he was ready and waiting for me.  I leaned over and licked his balls, then trailed my tongue up the shaft of his penis just barely touching the frenulum. I left a hot wet trail around the head of his penis.  Licking up and down but never committing to any direction.  He was starting to squirm, I always love that point when I know what I am doing is making my partner aroused, it arouses me at the same time.  I  made my way back down to his balls and pulled them slowly into my mouth and tugged on them.  I dropped them into my hand and cupped them to keep them warm and aroused.  I was able to pay more attention to his c*ck now.  Licking, tickling with the tip of my tongue on the tip of his penis, wetting it just enough that if I decided to slide him into my mouth there wouldn't be any friction.  I decided to do just that.  His quick intake of breath told me he had been anticipating this very act.  He flexed all of his muscles to get as deeply inside my mouth as he could.  Did I mention how much I love oral sex.  Honestly I can make my tongue do things my vagina just can't do.  Now Alex was using my hair to steer my head the speed and direction he was craving... good he will be willing to let me push him around on the next round.  I teased and held back as long as I could he had leaned over and grabbed my hips and pulled me over top of him in the classic 69 position.  This date was going really well.  We both came at the same time, he a little louder this time around.  When he caught his breath... in his broken language.... "if there is a God, HER name is JANE".... yes finally someone recognized I was a Goddess.  We didn't leave my office for another 5 or 6 hours, forget our plans to go out for drinks, we had straight to rip each others clothes off.

At around 7am he asked if he could have a little nap in my office chair, he had to go to work for 9.  Of course he could sleep, I was done with him.  I was exhausted but very satisfied.  I sat at my desk and started to write about my new life as a single woman dating.  This was my second date and it had done really well.  No drama just good ole fashioned fun.  I woke him up at 8 am and walked him to his car, said good bye, handed him a map on how to get back home and if I never saw him again I would ok, the nite itself was a good start to the rest of my life.  About an hour later my receptionist/ girlfriend called and asked how the date went... I told her she should bring in some cleaning supplies  on Monday to clean her desk. :)

~Jane   love the sexploring the world!

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Single and Playing well with others :)

 


I was definitely starting  the next phase of my life.

I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and walked confidently down the condom aisle........ and kept right on walking down the aisle and around the corner.  I stopped a few aisles over and looked through some magazines.  My god, I am a single woman now!  I AM STRONG,  hear me roar.."ROAR" I marched right back down that aisle.  I stopped and was so goddam confused, since when is there more than 3 choices?   Christ on a stick, was I supposed to Google this whole thing first?   I knew my first choice was going to be a bright pretty box that touted ‘For Her Pleasure”, well that made perfect sense to me.  I bought 4 boxes in different colours.  Then I saw ‘small, medium, large and extra large’, really? who ever buys small?  I bought everything from medium up, hoping of course to have to refill the extra large box first. :) That aisle was pretty exciting, lubes, gels, heating, vibrating, some come with ‘thumb vibrators’, gotta get a few of those. The choices went on and on. I was feeling pretty 'cocky'.   My purchases were in my basket, I waltzed right up to that checkout, plopped every package down and smiled, she smiled, I smiled again, she was uncomfortable, the line up was building, I giggled nervously ‘ bachelorette  party’, she nodded her head knowingly, so did everyone in the line.  Apparently young women do this all the time.  I will have to work on this part.  I took them to my office and filed them.  Don’t ask me why, seemed like the most logical step at the time.  As it turns out they will come in very handy in the next little while, filed away under condoms, in my bottom drawer. *note to self, tell my girlfriend; if I die suddenly, throw my phone out, throw my laptop out and empty my bottom drawer.


After exploring a few options like leaving town and going out to bars, leaving town and going to ‘event’s, and finally leaving town to just maybe hopefully meet people I’ve never met before anywhere!  The only thing I learned was I had to leave town.  I hated that.  I love where I live, I am expected by some to stay here, where I live, my friends, my family, my clients, my eye doctor, doctor-doctor, dentist, they all love me.... I couldn’t leave.  I was spending more time away than here.  The choice was clear, get on the internet, write a few ridiculous paragraphs about myself, crop out my husband from my pictures and meet unknown axe murders.  Yup! That was the way to go!  I had a mission.   So began my mission to ‘sexplore’.  I forgot to mention, I wanted to have sex, and lots of it, with him, her, them, us, you guys over there.  I just wanted to do things I hadn’t done before.   So the online profile was started; long walks on the beach? No I actually hate the beach.  Candlelit dinners?  Not so much, must love animals? again no. I was reading other women’s profiles to get a ‘feel’ for what it was all about, none of them rang true for me. So I wrote something a little different.  I was honest, not too verbose but very succinct. 

“ so... I'm looking for that elusive "something", a great sexual compatibility....there are never any expectations... you never know where it's going to come from, generally speaking it starts with mutual attraction, so you must have a pic...( i won't talk to you unless you have a pic )  be willing to actually meet, do the cursory chemistry check, and whatever happens, happens, i don't want to marry you, most times I'm not even gonna care if you talk.

if it's great it will last....We'll have lots of fun, if it's not , it won't, no harm, no foul, and we move on. easy, no drama, neither one of us having to flee in the middle of the nite....

first date? how quaint, lets meet for a drink and do the chemistry check, you’re coming to me and you’re buying”
 Well, let the games begin.  I was pretty sure what I wanted and what I didn’t want.  These online sites all ask for a profile picture, that’s only fair. How on earth would you ever know if you were attracted to someone unless you see their pic first.  I added one, then I added some more, I didn't’ want to play any silly games of having a 15 year old pic, I took new ones and added them.  I am a BBW ( big beautiful woman) and I wasn’t hiding it.  I was an overweight woman, who was 47 years old, had 3 grown children, lived in a tiny, tiny apartment, in a really small town...and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I am what I am, and I love it!  My body has been through a lot, but it’s my temple and there were/are many men who worship here. 

 I put my profile up on a few sites.  Then I walk away.  I don’t search anyone, I don’t message anyone, I don’t go back on until I need to answer a message from someone.  My next victim was just around the corner.  We talked online for days, it’s was so much fun talking to people I would never otherwise have met.  We talked, we flirted, we emailed.  You get that little excitement in your tummy when you see mail from that male.   He was beginning to sound too good to be true and my 47 years of life have taught me to double check.  He was married, he was 27, and he had no plans to actually ever meet he just liked what he considered the ‘dirty talk’ so he could masturbate to it.  I blasted him from here to kingdom come!  What a waste of time.  On the other hand I learned more lessons and added to my rule book.  Rule number 5;  (you will read rule numbers 1-4 further on) some men are sneaky, I know, I know, women are too, blah, blah, blah.  But overall men are more so, they want sex and lots of it with no questions asked.  So in the future have a few conversations with him, lull him into a false sense of security, gently tell him you are interested in a 3some, ask if he is attached and could we all meet.  You will be amazed how many men will say, a) I am married but my wife would never..... b) I am exclusive to one woman, she would never....c) I'm attached and yes she would be interest.... and finally....d) nope no partner we will have to find one.  Date “D”.  Walk away from the liars, they will make you and someone else’s life miserable.  If a guy were reading this he would defend man-kind and say woman-kind were just as bad, perhaps we are but I'm not trying to date a woman.

 So I have penned in my first date.  I don't 'pencil' in a date, if they can't made a solid plan with me I'm not interested.

 My first date!  How exciting, I’ve not dated in years, what do I wear? AGH!!!!!!  Pants? Dress?  Flat shoes, high shoes, perfume? body spray? Do I take condoms? NO!!!  I decided to be myself, wear pants, a great bra, and nice blouse with semi high shoes.  My ‘date’ was a 6’8” biker type guy.  Dirty jeans, dirtier shoes that his feet didn’t fit into, sitting at a table too small for him, nursing a beer, looking sad and crazy at the same time.  He does not look like his picture. That’s when I learned rule number 1, do not meet anyone for the first time for dinner.  Looking back on it, I don't recall saying I would meet him for dinner.  I had said drink.....  I would become a pro later on, but these earlier days were ridiculously silly and a huge waste of my time.  My only thought was how do I gracefully leave?  I can’t, I’m stuck.  He had ordered a beer for me, didn’t ask me what I wanted just ordered everything for me.  Before I was finished my beer the appetizer arrived, I don’t like too much seafood and this was the seafood I don’t like.  I would be graceful under most circumstances but I am not putting anything in my mouth I don’t like, that too would change later but now I’m sticking to it. 

The dinner conversation was dismal.  He is bankrupt, he lives in a room, in a house owned by someone else, he can’t work, he is fighting with his ex, he doesn’t get to see his 6 yr old son; did I mention my kids were grown up?  The dinner arrived...which I hadn't even ordered...egads, a very ungraceful burger piled about 6 inches high.  How the hell or why would you eat something so big and awkward on a first date, this meal is for a 4th or 5th date, when you don’t mind dripping mustard down your chin onto the front of you shirt and you might even be able to pull off looking cute and silly doing it.  I couldn’t imagine it getting any worse.  It did.  He said he liked me.  Really?  I’ve not spoken yet. Maybe he likes the quiet type.  I’m not the quiet type.  I am however the type with manners and I didn’t want to interrupt him while he was spilling his guts about his horrible life.

Wow, what a catch he would be.  I would make all the money, babysit the child while he went to meet his ex to fight over everything it seems.   I discovered it would get worse.  He said women dated him because he was so tall and had such big feet...wink, wink, nudge, nudge!  He reflected back and says he wants to date for reasons other than that.   I just chewed on my hamburger, hoping for mustard to fall down my shirt or choke so I could leave.  I don’t know how but it got worse still.  He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, he said if I fell in love with him I would have to nurse him until he got better.  At that point  I literally looked around the pub to see if my friends were hiding somewhere or I was on hidden camera.  It was over the top unbelievable.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  I laughed and laughed and laughed.  I got up, thanked him for coming to meet me and wished him luck in his search.  Date number one, done, off the list, on to bigger...well maybe not bigger....but it had to get better.

~Jane... learning to run and run fast!

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A relatively sober Monday nite blog

Wow, what a weekend, it was crazy.. men and more men and kids, and family and friends...not all together. I'm exhausted. I've not had time to sit and think let alone write.  The storm is over my head right now, lightening, thunder.  It's always beautiful, time to sit on the front porch and just watch natures light show. I have needed spell check more than normal... which can only mean one too many whiskey's in my glass.. hang one..time to re-fill.........

ok. refilled and  I have a plate of cheese and crackers and pickles and no I am not pregnant. I had a great nite with my children. No sex at all... that would be so creepy and wrong. Had a few hours with #1 son I can say that because they are twins and they know even though they are 30 seconds apart blond hair boy was first and strawberry blond boy was #2.... lol they argue about it all the time and what kind of mother would I be if I didn't fan the flame of argument until they realize it doesn't matter at all. Number 1 son had discussions about what attracts him to young women. My boys are 25yrs old, I totally use them for my research. # 1 says the first thing he notices in a girl is her smile and her bright personality. #2 son says it's her eyes then her smile.. Both young men are looking for happy no nonsense girls... the same since Neanderthal times.   Nothing has changed. I haven't changed and you, my next boyfriend haven't changed either. You are looking for no drama, down to earth fun loving woman who can look after herself if need be and I am looking for a man who knows exactly what he wants and at the end of the day enjoys cooking some meat over some fire for me. Yes I will pretty up the meat with side dishes like 'hassle-back baked potatoes" and sauteed onions and summer salad but still the fire cooked meat is the STAR! I will applaud your prowess in procuring the perfect cut and cooking to perfection and you will bow to my impeccable taste in choosing the perfect side dish.  Then we will fall into bed and make incredible love to each to show our appreciation for each our skills.  That is life and I expect nothing less.

So that aside... I am here tonight. I have prepared a beautiful butter chicken with basmati rice. So god damn tasty.  I'm hoping no one sneaks into the kitchen.. I want leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

It's been a great night... chatting with friends, potential lovers, my kids..life is perfect...


till the next time..

Jane... not my real name.

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Revenge Sex is the Best Sex ( up to that point anyway)

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