Getting the hell out of LA

After deciding to leave Edward and LA behind, I had to think like Jane Smith..SEXPERT   it didn't take me long to decide which direction to go. I needed the ocean, some sun... and wine. I walked out of the lobby that 2 days before I had walked into and was expecting the most amazing 5 days.  Instead my 'lover' was attending his conference and leaving me to my own devices.  Really? I have no problem finding something more fun to do.  I confidently walked up to the first cab... "Where is the ocean from here"?  I wasn't sure if it my Canadian accent or not but he looked at me like I had two heads.  He looked around to see if he was being filmed.. I guess that happens a lot in LA... I said "I need to go to the Ocean, I have no idea where it is from here other than, I'm guessing further West.. what would the closet city be at the ocean"?  He asked "Are you fleeing from someone?" "Yes", I said "a terrible lover".... "ah, ok, I thought there was going to be a car chase here, and I hate those so.. where would you like to go"?  Now I'm looking at him like he has two heads.  I shook my head to try and start over.  He told me Santa Monica was the closet city and it was ocean-side.  Perfect I thought, I've never been to Santa Monica. "Ok, lets go"... "well lady, I'm going to charge you about $100 for the cab...or... see that bus?, it will take you right there for $1.50, I would feel terrible taking your money, and well its' almost lunch time, I have an audition"... Now I'm looking around to see if someone is filming. Get me the fuck out of this city. "Fine, thank you for your help... and good luck with your audition."

Across the street as promised was the bus for $1.50 trip to Santa Monica. With my cute luggage, I traveled for an hour to the Ocean and what a great Ocean with was.  I could splurge on a hotel now after saving $100. However there were no rooms at the Inn... at any Inn for that matter.  Can you imagine what is like to walk around in the boiling sun for hours, dragging my horrible luggage from hotel to hotel only to be turned down over and over again? Now I'm stinky, sun burned, and needed a toilet. My last resort..get it resort? ..lol was a small-ish place across from the pier.  He said the only room he had left was behind reception beside the laundry rooms.  "I'll take it."  "You have to look at it first, to make sure it's suitable before I take your money."  He had no idea how desperate I was , I went back, looked at it, came back..smiled "I'll take it, I'll be here for 4 days."   What a glorious room it appeared to be. 

Freshened up, I plugged my phone in and I took off to explore.  Santa Monica is a beautiful city, fresh, clean, great restaurants, fabulous shopping and the night life was a riot. I spent my first evening at the pier, watching all the sites of a carnival.  The end of the pier was the most fun.  It was packed with all men who were fishing. Lucky me, I love men and I love fishing.  A man let me use his fishing rod, while he went to the bathroom.  He was gone a long time, his buddies were laughing.  "You know he didn't go to bathroom....he visits a hooker under the pier."  "Oh... well then he will likely catch something before me."   I fished to my hearts content. 

I made my way back to my hotel, stopping at every licensed establishment.  Upon arrival at my room, my phone was blinking.  I listened to Edwards plaintive messages, 'where was I, why had I left, was I coming back'.... it only took him 9 hrs to realize I was gone.  I was happy with my decision to head to SM, instead of spend another day in LA.   I texted him back to let him know I was in SM, and said he was more than welcome to join me in my awesome room beside the hotels' laundry room...lol.. he said he might be able to make it down in a couple of days.  My response.."it's ok Edward, this time together did not go as we had planned, it's fine. Good luck in your conference, I don't see any point in seeing each other again."  Time for me to move on.  Unfortunately I hadn't brought any toys with me...expecting a 6'3" man who didn't require batteries.. dammit!  I tried to sleep, for some reason they do hotel laundry alllllll night long :(   I couldn't get the zipper to my luggage open, I had to get scissors from the front desk to cut it open.  So I could access my treasures inside, like my toothbrush. Now I needed new luggage.  I might send Edward a bill for my added expenses. It could only go up hill from here. 

The next day I planned on walking to Venice beach, man is it hot here.. the sun was beating down relentlessly... hotter still on the beach with each little tiny grain of sand reflecting the sun back up from below.  I walked in the surf instead.. it was fucking glorious.  Did I mention I had the cutest sundress on , no underwear, and clearly see-through.  I look across the beach and spotted a man in a fabulous suit standing at the canteen that sells water... I suddenly felt very thirsty. I made my way over to the canteen, I looked at the man, he looked at me.  I had a great conversation with the guy  who ran the canteen the suited man said nothing...... oh well his loss.  I took my water and continued down the boardwalk.  I made it 100ft or so before I thought my flip flops were melting on the wooden trail. I sat down on a the closet empty bench, kicked off my flip flops, hiked up my dress, pushed my sunglasses back on my head and leaned back and closed my eyes to really take in the sounds and smells of the ocean.   I could have been there all day.  Without warning the sun was blocked and there in front of me was suited man.  "Hello" he said...without looking up... 'hi... why on earth are you in a suit on the beach?".... "I'm head of security for this hotel"... oh great I thought, it's a private beach and he's kicking me out.. no way.. I've found the perfect spot to forget Edward and LA and I wasn't going to leave.  "I wanted to talk to you when you bought your water but I was tongue tied.. I've never seen a woman with so much confidence and comfortable in her own skin before"... for a tongue tied man he was pretty talented.. 

"you don't see confident women on Venice beach..are you kidding me?" ... "all of them are vain..that's different"... he said... good answer I thought.  I told him I bought water because I wanted a closer look at the handsome man in a suit on the beach... he didn't believe me.. I opened my backpack and showed him the two full bottles I already had inside.. no his confidence was building.   It was clear we were attracted to each other. He sat with me, we talked for an hour.  What a sweet heart. He lives just outside of SM.  He gave me his pass to the hotel bar and pool and we agreed to meet when he was finished his shift.   We spent the next 4 days together, it was wonderful, he took me everywhere and showed me the sites.  We spent every night in the ocean followed by dinner and the rest of the night in his apt. What a glorious lover he was. I hadn't missed a beat. Jane Smith the Sexplorer has discovered an amazing man on the west coast. You just never know when/where you are going to meet someone so compatible.  He drove me to airport on the my last day. We spoke everyday while I was back home, I flew back a month later and stayed with him for two weeks.  One of the best holiday's I've ever had.  We continue to talk everyday although we are 3,000 miles apart.  His name is Eduardo... really it is. I exchanged one Ed for another, both from Spain... the universe has a great sense of humour.  I love it. 

~ Jane, the luckiest woman in the world!

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A flashback Story...

flashback 2008

I had been single for exactly a month at this point.... I was totally set up now, I had my own place, where no one came without an invitation, no one dropped in, there was a buzzer that had to be buzzed and answered for the main door to open.... I didn't open it often.  I wanted my privacy and my own time to walk around naked, without my kids running out of the room screaming, without neighbours closing their drapes and my ex husband thinking naked automatically meant sex.  I think I could be a nudist/naturalist if I looked better in the bright unforgiving sunlight.   I love to be naked, in the shower .. obviously, in the pool, hot tub, lake or ocean.. I think any type of clothing really drags down my speed dog paddling time when I tying to get back to the dock or shore is something underneath the water has touched me.......eeeeeeeeeeeeek.    So quite naturally the nudism moves through the the whole apartment, the shower is really close to the bedroom, where I need to get my clothes, then sometimes in the journey from the shower to the bedroom I get thirsty, so I go to the kitchen, then I end up making a sandwich or something.... then I do what I have never done with my children..... I eat in front of the tv... omg! so all of a sudden you have a single naked woman eating a tuna sandwich, having a glass of wine and watching tv.....naked... IF someone just dropped in.... it would look odd to them but only because they don't understand the process it took me to get there.

I was enjoying my new single life tremendously, my business was doing well, my online dating profiles were trolling even when I wasn't online, my bottom drawer of my file cabinet in my office had its fill of multi-coloured, multi-sized condoms, as does my night side table in my bedroom and the end table in my living room. :)   I had officially broken my 27 yr dating slump and had had my first date...horrible as it was.  So I started making a list of rules to live by that I would share with anyone who wanted to listen to them...

Rule number 1: don’t meet for the first time over dinner.
Rule number 2: look for a back door for a quick exit.
Rule number 3: develop a strategy to change the subject quickly.
Rule number 4: if in their picture they are smiling with a closed mouth:  they have bad teeth!
Rule number 5 repeated: Trust no one.
Rule number 6: never waste time talking online with anyone without a picture, we try as women to be kind and nurturing and non-judgemental but you know what? I'm tired of spending my precious pre-dating time talking to someone I've never seen then finally they send a pic and you cringe because there is no way you are attracted to that person.... then you feel awful when you have to say good bye, they know it was because they sent the pic and you don't like the 'look' of them.. that is so mean.  So #6 is picture first then chat... blah, blah, blah...shallow, yes, but there is no sense meeting someone that you are not attracted to, it doesn't make any sense to me, correct me if I'm wrong.

My next date was this crazy guy from Turkey living in Toronto. I say crazy that in the kindest, sweetest sense.  We had talked online for a few weeks,  there was a slight language barrier but it made it fun and he couldn’t wait to meet, so he drove out to see me.  Try giving directions to a Turkish fellow from Istanbul living in Toronto with family and have him drive out to the country at night. I was very clear on how to get to me, he heard something completely different.  I was going to work until he got into my office, I didn't ever meet people in my home until I had seen them a few times.  It was a Friday nite, everyone had gone home for the weekend, I was working away at my desk.. the call was expected... "Hello is this Jane"... yes I said... "Hello this is Alex from Toronto, I am very lost and it is very dark where I am... do you know where I am"?.......  lol "well not exactly Alex, there is a lot of dark places around here, my guess is you've driven too far north, turn around and drive until you see something, then I can tell you where are"...."ok, Jane, but can you stay on the phone with me, I've never been this far from Toronto before"... "yes Alex I'll stay on the phone"..... I talked to him all the way back south to my office, he drove into the parking lot, closed his door, locked it, checked that it was locked, then checked again that it was locked.  This fellow was terrified of me being an axe murderer, then me stealing his car.   But, damn he was so adorable in person, taller than I expected, longish dark curly hair and just the right amount of a beard stubble to be sexy.  Oh and .... he works out.  I am such a sucker for a man with a great body.

 He was so relieved to see me, he walked straight up to me, "hello Jane"... put his arms around me and hugged me and hugged me and hugged me.  He slowly leaned down to kiss me, we kisssed out there for about 1/2 hour.  I led him back into my lair and locked the door behind him.

Very quickly we realized a) we were both very horny and b) we were very attracted to each other.  He peeled my clothes off so quickly I looked around to see if there were judges there to give him points for technique and speed.   We found that A went into B perfectly and it felt so damn good, the receptionists desk was a perfect height.  I quickly, but smartly cleared away some files that would be opened again on Monday, no sense in making a mess that I would have to pay someone to clean up, I was horny but I was stupid... not yet anyway.  We fell in a naked heap onto the floor to gather our thoughts and find a bottle or two of water.  We chatted for about 30 minutes or so about what he was doing here in Canada and what he hoped to accomplish while he was here.  He wanted to see my office or moreover he wanted to see my desk.  :) My desk was much better for what we wanted to do, it had less paperwork on it. I had never been so intimately aware of the grain of the wood as when my face was an 1" from it.  Alex was  a great lover, he knew what he wanted and he took it.  I am a pretty dominant woman so it was nice to have someone else lead the games for once.  My hips were like handlebars to  him, he steered my ass in whatever direction he wanted with each thrust.  My favourite was the 1,2,3 count with just the tip of his c*ck inside of me, then drive it deeply inside.  Each deep thrust took my breath away.  Every once in a while he would slow down, lean over cup my breasts and kiss me.  He was a very passionate lover.

Now that we were completely naked we didn't get dressed again.  More water, some music, some more getting to know each other, then it was my turn to play with him, he was leaning up against my office wall... I am so glad I picked that paint colour, a naked olive skinned man leaning on it looked very nice.  I was laying on the floor beside him.  I rolled over and crawled up between his legs, his c*ck started to twitch as the blood flow was rushing in again.  My hair was shoulder length and when I bent over to kiss his thighs my hair tickled him as I moved up. By the time I reached my destination he was ready and waiting for me.  I leaned over and licked his balls, then trailed my tongue up the shaft of his penis just barely touching the frenulum. I left a hot wet trail around the head of his penis.  Licking up and down but never committing to any direction.  He was starting to squirm, I always love that point when I know what I am doing is making my partner aroused, it arouses me at the same time.  I  made my way back down to his balls and pulled them slowly into my mouth and tugged on them.  I dropped them into my hand and cupped them to keep them warm and aroused.  I was able to pay more attention to his c*ck now.  Licking, tickling with the tip of my tongue on the tip of his penis, wetting it just enough that if I decided to slide him into my mouth there wouldn't be any friction.  I decided to do just that.  His quick intake of breath told me he had been anticipating this very act.  He flexed all of his muscles to get as deeply inside my mouth as he could.  Did I mention how much I love oral sex.  Honestly I can make my tongue do things my vagina just can't do.  Now Alex was using my hair to steer my head the speed and direction he was craving... good he will be willing to let me push him around on the next round.  I teased and held back as long as I could he had leaned over and grabbed my hips and pulled me over top of him in the classic 69 position.  This date was going really well.  We both came at the same time, he a little louder this time around.  When he caught his breath... in his broken language.... "if there is a God, HER name is JANE".... yes finally someone recognized I was a Goddess.  We didn't leave my office for another 5 or 6 hours, forget our plans to go out for drinks, we had straight to rip each others clothes off.

At around 7am he asked if he could have a little nap in my office chair, he had to go to work for 9.  Of course he could sleep, I was done with him.  I was exhausted but very satisfied.  I sat at my desk and started to write about my new life as a single woman dating.  This was my second date and it had done really well.  No drama just good ole fashioned fun.  I woke him up at 8 am and walked him to his car, said good bye, handed him a map on how to get back home and if I never saw him again I would ok, the nite itself was a good start to the rest of my life.  About an hour later my receptionist/ girlfriend called and asked how the date went... I told her she should bring in some cleaning supplies  on Monday to clean her desk. :)

~Jane   love the sexploring the world!

More on Jane Smith's Sexpert Page HERE!

The "Jane Smith" show @ a local pub !

My blog is going to bounce all over the earth's timeline.... 1970, 2013 and everywhere in between.... I'm am sure I am the first undiagnosed adult with A.D.D...... oh butterfly.... my father used to say...'if her head wasn't screwed on she wouldn't know where she left it'.... I'm pretty sure it was said out of love and respect :-/

             everything in my head is  bouncing around like a ping bong ball.... thoughts, phrases, stories, cliches, music lyrics, quotes, the inevitable work 'stuff'... and most often play stuff... I have such a hard time concentrating on work stuff.... that's probably why I have always been my own boss... no one else can rein me in.  I am a square twisty peg in a round hole.. if there is box... I jump over or around it, if there is still something to be seen or done with friends or family, I won't go to bed until I've seen it or done it.  I am generally the last one to close my eyes and the first one to open them in the morning.... I don't get out of bed of course, I luxuriate horizontally until my body and mind are one and say 'get up and get some shit done!' hence again... why I work for myself.  I am a great boss btw.  I give out bonus's on a regular basis. I take myself out to lunch often.  I take myself to the salon for pedicures, I pay people to do things for me that I don't like to do.  People say I'm lucky... and I say 'yes... the harder I work the luckier I am'.   I sat down to write today about a night out last night and my mind has already explained to the hands that I can't keep a straight thought for longer than a minute or two before..... oh butterfly..... and my mind veers off in a completely different direction... I will get to the real story as soon as I finish writing why I've not gotten to it yet :)


I have two companies... one I work at daily.. with my real name and my real job.  The other was one was started because I'm single at this glorious age and needed to just have some plain ole fun. My real day job offices are in a century home, tons and tons of space for work and entertaining. And entertain we do.... often.   I couldn't get up this morning without counting the number of overnight guests.  The beds were filled to capacity and all 4 couches were full.  AND that's just a Wednesday night... again can't work for anyone else.. how would I explain to 'the boss' that I have to see my overnight guests get coffee and breakfast before they leave.. 'the boss' wouldn't understand, people are so judgmental.

Last evening was spent at a local club, showing my wares.  My 'wares' consist of things that heat up, cool down, speed up, speed down, vibrate, entice, make things slippery, make things hard, make things tasty and generally with any luck things that go bump all nite long. 

Did I forget to mention in my quest for 'sexploration' that started early in my life I opened an Adult Novelty Business just for fun?   If I didn't  I'm sorry, it's been pretty hectic around here. Show and tell has  a new meaning for me :) Hence the blog, I tell all.   If you don't want to be talked about don't come near me.  I can't keep a secret, I am not discreet in any way shape or form.  If I can be the centre of attention with a microphone, I will keep you occupied for hours... and all the stories I have heard or experienced will be told... I have no filter.  Again self employed.  I will, if I'm talking or writing slowly enough try to change the names.  My rule is... If your name is "Scott" ( Scott lol) you will become a name with the next letter in the alphabet... hence Scott became Tim.  "Tim" was  little confused in the middle of passionate sex I yelled out "Tim" instead of Scott.  He totally understood, he went into my book as Tim and he was quite happy about it...although I have just told you all he is Scott. AND Tim/Scott is serving me drinks tomorrow nite as I deliver some Adult toys to his place for his new gal pal.  :) I am a Renaissance woman after all.  

So..back to the reason for this blog today/tonight... it's been in draft stage all day, I had to run out and show and sell some real estate,  it's 10:20pm here in my part of Canada and I'm back at the computer finally. 

We had booked this show about a month ago so we had alot of time to advertise and we did a stunning job.  We were a full house. We arrived 2 hrs before the alloted time.  We set up our tables filled with toys all over the bar.  People were filing in.  My friends from the city were here, it was time to get started.   I had had a few glasses of wine to get started.  Walked up the stage...

"Hello everyone and welcome to our Sex Show... Is anyone else and wet as me?"

People in this town are pretty vanilla and were shocked with my opening line...it made perfect sense to me... I had been unloading my vehicle in the rain for an hour... I was soaked.  Everyone loosened up, after that, nothing like shock therapy to get everyone in the right mood to talk about sex. They felt pretty safe that that was the worst it was going to get... they were so wrong.   My friends knew what to expect from me, the poor bastards.... I mean the poor people there for the show were shocked over and over again... really they were, literally... one of our newest and biggest sellers is an electric play!  A relatively safe static wand......lololololol         They were all virgins in this circus tonight , and I was the ringmaster, I had whips and everything.  :)

 I was so in charge, I was working that room, everyone was in the palm of my hand,  everyone was responding to my obvious charms, they were laughing, they were warming up to me... I was their new best friend.... then suddenly someone I knew from a few years ago walked into the bar and sat with my friends.   It wasn't just someone, it was someone I had had a passionate and interesting fling with a year before.  If you've read my blog "A Fun Nite", you will now who this person is.  The completely startling thing was when I was seeing him he would never come east of Toronto into the 'burbs'... He was too snobby to drive in that direction..lol I had bugged him about for over a year.....and of all the gin joints in all the world he showed up at my gin joint when I was on stage with a dildo in one hand and microphone in the other extolling the virtues of said soft large dildo for the less than shy users........ this was the 'oh my god' dildo/vibrator ....REALLY? what events transpired today in the universe to conspire to put this event together tonight?  Really? I still had 1/2 left of my show to do and he was sitting back in his chair smiling the whole time.  I missed a step, but then I was back on track, I got a standing ovation for my troubles... then it was off to socialize with my fans...lol  I never bought another drink, in my small world I was  Queen tonight...always fun.  Now that I was off the stage everyone wanted to talk, it was great fun, no sex question was off limits, I had invited a lot of knowledgeable people who could answer the plethora of questions coming our way.  There were so many interesting people there with great questions.  It was great to be in a room with people who felt really comfortable to ask questions about their own sexuality.  There were mostly couples which was great, they were so curious and that is always so healthy. 

The night at the pub ended on a great note, packing up saying good night to everyone and realizing the party was coming home with me..... OK :-/        My ex lover came back as well... again stunned because he would never come before, now that I'm not seeing him he's there.  We all had drinks and someone had brought food.. even better.. I'd not had time for dinner so the feast began... we ate and drank until the wee hours of the morning, everyone made their way to my beds, my couches.  My friend and I stayed up and chatted after everyone went to sleep it was lovely to catch up.  When we were seeing each other it was so much fun.  We saw each other often and had great fun all over the city.   He's very Dominant at a time when I was looking to sexplore that.   He was beautifully dominant always in charge but at the basis of it all looking after my best sexual interest... It was always about me first.  The rest is fodder for another blog when I do a 'flashback'... it's all good fun.

meanwhile, while I am writing this tonight I got a call from a California number.. I didn't answer it, the only person I know in California is working tonight and wouldn't be calling me.  Then a random text "yes"  I texted back 'no'... the respondent was confused... hehe.. he/she didn't realize he/she had texted and called the wrong number.. I could play with this person all night, really mess with them.   Would that be mean? yes! would that be wrong? yes! would it be fun? yes!  hey they started it.   We texted back and forth for a bit.  It was evident it was a man on the other side of the country.  I told you I'm the MAN WHISPERER.  I can tell.  My sappy nature kicked in.. I had to tell him I wasn't the person his missives were meant for.... he thought it was funny.  He wanted to know everything about me.. too long for texts.  I'm obviously a very complex woman, I text random people after my household has gone to sleep..ya, really complex, maybe slightly lightheaded, I'm exhausted and drinking scotch... NEVER TEXT/ WRITE/ CALL WHEN DRINKING !!!! the new "Golden Rule" in my book.  He told me he was 33, I didn't divulge my age. :)  He asked me for a pic, I asked him for one, knowing full well it could be a full nude... why is it so many men are so willing to send full nude shots of themselves over the internet... you know it's out there forever right?   He responded with 'I asked you first'... I texted 'really? you're gonna play that game.. I'm the woman I always get what I want!!'... ding, ding, ding... his  non-nude pic arrived on my phone from 3000 miles away, that in and of itself is so incredible to me still (that will give you some indication of my age) I am still and always will be amazed with all things techy.  Anyway a promise is a promise and I fired one off to him for thanks in trusting me and sending his first after I demanded it.  We are both very good looking people... good it could have been really awkward if he wasn't  lol.   Again the universe? What is the point of a random mistaking  wrong number phone call and text messaging.  I don't know, maybe someday I'll find out.

Have a wonderful nite,

~J
FB page w/pics getting sexy w/Jane catalog :)