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I don't have a picture to post here... there is nothing that can speak to this writing..it just is

Why is falling 'in love' so fast and trying to fall 'out of love' so difficult?

It's been months and still my heart is aching.  I've tried everything, I've kept busy, I've changed jobs, I've given up my beloved  company and joined a bigger one to lose myself in the plethora of people, events and schedules. I've travelled, I've invited new people into my life, I've invited new men into my life.. it's not been fair to any of them, I've been cynical and mean, I'm sorry.  My heart is  of full of sadness and am desperately trying to move forward.  I just have this odd feeling that through everything and all of this, we will meet again in the  near future and pick up exactly where we left off and do everything we had planned.

In love should be the tough part, really put the other person and the relationship to the test, spend the time getting to know your heart and it's connection to that  person.  Why does the look of someone physically turn you on? The way they smile the way their eyes twinkle, and soft speech in your ear, that makes you feel as though you are the only one that has ever heard those words from that mouth.

How is it possible to fall in love with someone upon first meeting them?  What forces in the universe have aligned themselves to put this person in your path, and, you both feel the same way?  How do you look at another person for the first time and in that moment, just know.  Know that you knew them already, you knew what their lips were going to taste  like, knew where that kiss was going to take you.  Knew that when they held you, you could stay, loving, holding, touching, like an invisible tie was holding you together no matter where you were.  We could be hours apart and still feel a warmth, a tingle when I thought of him.
See the number on the phone and jump over the desk making sure to catch it before the last ring for fear you won't be able to connect if 'that' connection isn't made.

You must feel like you're reading from a 13yr old's diary.  I'm a long way from 13 and I can't believe I fell so deeply, so quickly.  I simply could not help myself.  I think back to the moment when we first saw each other, he was so handsome, when he reached me and hugged me... I was home.  It, he was perfect.  The conversation was electric and sexy at the same time.  The time flew by, we met for breakfast and were still sitting there by early dinner. If you were watching this as a movie, you would see us in focus, talking, laughing, sneaking kisses, whispering in each others ears, then hugging and laughing again.. we would be in focus and the world around us would be spinning out of control, people in, people out, wait staff filling tables, clearing tables, welcoming new patrons, chairs in, chairs out, the scents of breakfast pastries to dinner meats being cooked on the open flames... and still we sat and loved.

I've never been with anyone that thrilled me as much as he did, the conversation lifted my spirit to a magical level, I was so creative when I was near him. I watched myself closely and kept thinking... 'how can this be real'... at my age I had never experienced this before.  His touch excited me, every time we left each other to go home, my heart ached so badly I cried.  I missed him terribly.  I was not my usual calm, cool and collected self.  I play the 'dating game' really well and he was really messing up my us M.O.   He touched my chest one night, not my breasts, there was nothing sexual about it, he laid his hand just above my breasts while he kissed me.. he was touching my soul.  You can't ever explain this anyone, it just happens, he just did it and it moved my heart and calmed my soul to match his.  It was profound.

He didn't belong to me.  He was married.  He had told me there was no longer anything there between them, and he was working through  a way out without damaging everything.  My usual calm, cool demeanour was having a hard time with the love of my life leaving me to go home to his wife. Over the months I turned into something, someone I had never been before, needy and jealous.  Oh my god, I was a wreck.  Was this a test to see how emotionally mature/secure I was?  If it was it wasn't a fair test.  I went to my home and slept alone, while he went home to his family.

I had to end it.  I couldn't do it any longer, I didn't' like who I had become.  He wanted to remain friends, this is the only thing he never understood about me, I couldn't possibly be 'friends' after what I had experienced, I want it all or I have to walk away.  I couldn't talk to him over the years that I was supposed to be a part of and hear of  his tales of new people or his family, it would tear me apart. I'm not proud of the person I became, I was hurt, I was angry, I was very sympathetic to his wife.. I would not have wanted to be 'a wife' and have my husband be with someone else that he was in love with.  It was  terrible situation for me, for him and for her.  I am so sorry if I made it more difficult.. I love him still and wish with all my heart we could be together.

I hope to see him again someday and when we see each other again just fall into his arms and hold him.  I miss him terribly, I hope he finds what he is looking for and I hope and pray it's me he's looking for,and I pray  he is single this time so we can move forward from where we left off. That would complete my life in the way I hope it would. I believe we have known each other in many other lives and this one we almost made it work. If not in this life, then definitely the next, I will be the one waving the biggest flag.  You won't be able to miss me next time!

I love you

~H

Single and Playing well with others :)

 


I was definitely starting  the next phase of my life.

I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and walked confidently down the condom aisle........ and kept right on walking down the aisle and around the corner.  I stopped a few aisles over and looked through some magazines.  My god, I am a single woman now!  I AM STRONG,  hear me roar.."ROAR" I marched right back down that aisle.  I stopped and was so goddam confused, since when is there more than 3 choices?   Christ on a stick, was I supposed to Google this whole thing first?   I knew my first choice was going to be a bright pretty box that touted ‘For Her Pleasure”, well that made perfect sense to me.  I bought 4 boxes in different colours.  Then I saw ‘small, medium, large and extra large’, really? who ever buys small?  I bought everything from medium up, hoping of course to have to refill the extra large box first. :) That aisle was pretty exciting, lubes, gels, heating, vibrating, some come with ‘thumb vibrators’, gotta get a few of those. The choices went on and on. I was feeling pretty 'cocky'.   My purchases were in my basket, I waltzed right up to that checkout, plopped every package down and smiled, she smiled, I smiled again, she was uncomfortable, the line up was building, I giggled nervously ‘ bachelorette  party’, she nodded her head knowingly, so did everyone in the line.  Apparently young women do this all the time.  I will have to work on this part.  I took them to my office and filed them.  Don’t ask me why, seemed like the most logical step at the time.  As it turns out they will come in very handy in the next little while, filed away under condoms, in my bottom drawer. *note to self, tell my girlfriend; if I die suddenly, throw my phone out, throw my laptop out and empty my bottom drawer.


After exploring a few options like leaving town and going out to bars, leaving town and going to ‘event’s, and finally leaving town to just maybe hopefully meet people I’ve never met before anywhere!  The only thing I learned was I had to leave town.  I hated that.  I love where I live, I am expected by some to stay here, where I live, my friends, my family, my clients, my eye doctor, doctor-doctor, dentist, they all love me.... I couldn’t leave.  I was spending more time away than here.  The choice was clear, get on the internet, write a few ridiculous paragraphs about myself, crop out my husband from my pictures and meet unknown axe murders.  Yup! That was the way to go!  I had a mission.   So began my mission to ‘sexplore’.  I forgot to mention, I wanted to have sex, and lots of it, with him, her, them, us, you guys over there.  I just wanted to do things I hadn’t done before.   So the online profile was started; long walks on the beach? No I actually hate the beach.  Candlelit dinners?  Not so much, must love animals? again no. I was reading other women’s profiles to get a ‘feel’ for what it was all about, none of them rang true for me. So I wrote something a little different.  I was honest, not too verbose but very succinct. 

“ so... I'm looking for that elusive "something", a great sexual compatibility....there are never any expectations... you never know where it's going to come from, generally speaking it starts with mutual attraction, so you must have a pic...( i won't talk to you unless you have a pic )  be willing to actually meet, do the cursory chemistry check, and whatever happens, happens, i don't want to marry you, most times I'm not even gonna care if you talk.

if it's great it will last....We'll have lots of fun, if it's not , it won't, no harm, no foul, and we move on. easy, no drama, neither one of us having to flee in the middle of the nite....

first date? how quaint, lets meet for a drink and do the chemistry check, you’re coming to me and you’re buying”
 Well, let the games begin.  I was pretty sure what I wanted and what I didn’t want.  These online sites all ask for a profile picture, that’s only fair. How on earth would you ever know if you were attracted to someone unless you see their pic first.  I added one, then I added some more, I didn't’ want to play any silly games of having a 15 year old pic, I took new ones and added them.  I am a BBW ( big beautiful woman) and I wasn’t hiding it.  I was an overweight woman, who was 47 years old, had 3 grown children, lived in a tiny, tiny apartment, in a really small town...and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I am what I am, and I love it!  My body has been through a lot, but it’s my temple and there were/are many men who worship here. 

 I put my profile up on a few sites.  Then I walk away.  I don’t search anyone, I don’t message anyone, I don’t go back on until I need to answer a message from someone.  My next victim was just around the corner.  We talked online for days, it’s was so much fun talking to people I would never otherwise have met.  We talked, we flirted, we emailed.  You get that little excitement in your tummy when you see mail from that male.   He was beginning to sound too good to be true and my 47 years of life have taught me to double check.  He was married, he was 27, and he had no plans to actually ever meet he just liked what he considered the ‘dirty talk’ so he could masturbate to it.  I blasted him from here to kingdom come!  What a waste of time.  On the other hand I learned more lessons and added to my rule book.  Rule number 5;  (you will read rule numbers 1-4 further on) some men are sneaky, I know, I know, women are too, blah, blah, blah.  But overall men are more so, they want sex and lots of it with no questions asked.  So in the future have a few conversations with him, lull him into a false sense of security, gently tell him you are interested in a 3some, ask if he is attached and could we all meet.  You will be amazed how many men will say, a) I am married but my wife would never..... b) I am exclusive to one woman, she would never....c) I'm attached and yes she would be interest.... and finally....d) nope no partner we will have to find one.  Date “D”.  Walk away from the liars, they will make you and someone else’s life miserable.  If a guy were reading this he would defend man-kind and say woman-kind were just as bad, perhaps we are but I'm not trying to date a woman.

 So I have penned in my first date.  I don't 'pencil' in a date, if they can't made a solid plan with me I'm not interested.

 My first date!  How exciting, I’ve not dated in years, what do I wear? AGH!!!!!!  Pants? Dress?  Flat shoes, high shoes, perfume? body spray? Do I take condoms? NO!!!  I decided to be myself, wear pants, a great bra, and nice blouse with semi high shoes.  My ‘date’ was a 6’8” biker type guy.  Dirty jeans, dirtier shoes that his feet didn’t fit into, sitting at a table too small for him, nursing a beer, looking sad and crazy at the same time.  He does not look like his picture. That’s when I learned rule number 1, do not meet anyone for the first time for dinner.  Looking back on it, I don't recall saying I would meet him for dinner.  I had said drink.....  I would become a pro later on, but these earlier days were ridiculously silly and a huge waste of my time.  My only thought was how do I gracefully leave?  I can’t, I’m stuck.  He had ordered a beer for me, didn’t ask me what I wanted just ordered everything for me.  Before I was finished my beer the appetizer arrived, I don’t like too much seafood and this was the seafood I don’t like.  I would be graceful under most circumstances but I am not putting anything in my mouth I don’t like, that too would change later but now I’m sticking to it. 

The dinner conversation was dismal.  He is bankrupt, he lives in a room, in a house owned by someone else, he can’t work, he is fighting with his ex, he doesn’t get to see his 6 yr old son; did I mention my kids were grown up?  The dinner arrived...which I hadn't even ordered...egads, a very ungraceful burger piled about 6 inches high.  How the hell or why would you eat something so big and awkward on a first date, this meal is for a 4th or 5th date, when you don’t mind dripping mustard down your chin onto the front of you shirt and you might even be able to pull off looking cute and silly doing it.  I couldn’t imagine it getting any worse.  It did.  He said he liked me.  Really?  I’ve not spoken yet. Maybe he likes the quiet type.  I’m not the quiet type.  I am however the type with manners and I didn’t want to interrupt him while he was spilling his guts about his horrible life.

Wow, what a catch he would be.  I would make all the money, babysit the child while he went to meet his ex to fight over everything it seems.   I discovered it would get worse.  He said women dated him because he was so tall and had such big feet...wink, wink, nudge, nudge!  He reflected back and says he wants to date for reasons other than that.   I just chewed on my hamburger, hoping for mustard to fall down my shirt or choke so I could leave.  I don’t know how but it got worse still.  He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, he said if I fell in love with him I would have to nurse him until he got better.  At that point  I literally looked around the pub to see if my friends were hiding somewhere or I was on hidden camera.  It was over the top unbelievable.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  I laughed and laughed and laughed.  I got up, thanked him for coming to meet me and wished him luck in his search.  Date number one, done, off the list, on to bigger...well maybe not bigger....but it had to get better.

~Jane... learning to run and run fast!

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